Got an email the other day. Seems last year's team members meet to discuss future mission trips and how to continue our ongoing presentations to the congregation. I am informed they want me to prayerfully consider giving the testimony for the new year in January.
Uh, huh. And how do I do this exactly???? When I can barely figure out my thoughts/feelings regarding the last few months/weeks. I am a (barely) functioning wreck.
At the moment, I don't even know why I went to Guatemala, much less if it was worthwhile or beneficial. (I know what others will say--I'm talking about what it meant to ME: the for real, in the dark; deep down in my soul me...).
I mean, did I go to Guate to get away from the family crisis parked in my living room at the time?? (The suicide, Nena Death, motherinlaw living with me, cancer diagnosis crisis), or did I go for the "right" reasons whatever those are.
I don't think I can "prayerfully" get in front of a congregation and give any kind of testimony. At least not the kind they want. I might get on the mike and say, "Don't go. It's hard, nasty, dirty, hot, expensive and embarassing. It's difficult and dangerous, and you probably won't see any tangible results from your effort."
That'll get their attention. I'll have them hanging on every word. But it won't be productive or useful to mission work.
I don't "prayerfully" think I can "prayerfully" do a "prayerful" testimony.
How come they asked me?? Do they think Bert's heart attack (coupled with the rest of the 2010 Mess) makes me stronger??? That I will be distilled/refined/sharpened into a missionminded tool for God??? Give me a break. I just want to cry all day; crawl in a hole and wail at God for giving me this cup, and then ask Him in His infinite mercy to please don't give me any more, right now, 'kay?
Sunday, December 19, 2010
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